Lost Review: Those You've Known

After this post, this blog will become something more than sporadic Lost rants, I promise (if only because season 5 finished Wednesday night). But the finale was on crack, so indulge me for a bit.

Disclaimer: Spoilers ahead. You know the drill.

In the interest of time and my general sanity, I'm going to break this up into various bullet points, because otherwise it'll be a thousand words of me sobbing about Juliet and Sawyer with a few crackpot theories thrown in. Thus, onward!

Nukes: I admit, I only warmed up to Jack's insane idea of exploding a hydrogen bomb at the Swan to neutralize the electromagnetic field that will eventually cause Flight 815 to crash on the Island because I just wanted him to shut up about it. We also find out that Jack the Selfless has a secret reason for wanting to change the future: he wants another chance with Kate, at which I seriously considered throwing things at my television.

Interestingly enough, Sawyer's admittedly very tiny torch for Kate is also what makes Juliet agree with Jack's plan, which also made me want to vomit. KATE IS NOT THAT SPECIAL, GUYS. SHE IS INDECISIVE AND ANNOYING AND SHE AND JACK DESERVE EACH OTHER. Kate is also not helping matters by throwing Sawyer various patented Soulful Glances every other second. Sigh.

Anyway, like almost every one of Jack's plans, the hydrogen-bomb thing fails pretty spectacularly. Sayid gets shot trying to get it to the Swan station, Jack goes on a muderous rampage through Dharmaville in revenge (fun times!) and then when he finally drops the bomb down the shaft, it doesn't explode. FAIL.

Also, Saywer beats Jack up. FINALLY.

Jacob: After years of waiting to find out who the mysterious Island-god-leader-person is, we were introduced to him in the finale's opening minutes, as he watches a ship on the horizon (the Black Rock?) while sitting on the beach. Jacob is more than a little creepy. In this episode's flashbacks, he manages to meet most of Lost's principal characters at seminal moments during their lives to offer a few cryptic asides and then wander off mysteriously. He is also apparently quasi-responsible for Nadia's death, which is unforgivable. Poor Sayid.

Jacob is also involved in a serious rivalry with another ancient Island creepster, whom Entertainment Weekly's Lost expert, Jeff Jensen, is calling "Loophole McNameless." I like it. Anyway, Loophole tells Jacob within the episode's first few minutes that he wants to kill him, and that he will find some "loophole" to achieve it.

"Good luck with that one, kid," Jacob says (more or less) with a smirk. Burn.

Zombies: I really tried to like Undead Locke for a little bit, especially after Undead Alex voiced her support for him a few episodes back. But, seriously. Undead Locke is a bum. He's smarmy, he's annoying, he baits Ben like it's his job (Ben, to his credit, is usually ready with some dry comeback), and he likes reminding everyone that The Island Tells Him Things. Incessantly.

So I was happy but not terribly surprised to discover that Undead Locke is not actually Locke, but probably Loophole McNameless posing as everyone's favorite emo tool with daddy issues (come to think of it, that's pretty much everyone on the island. Never mind). Real Locke is, interestingly, still a corpse. Well done, Ben.

Deaths, maybe: Sayid has survived the Gulf War, two plane crashes, Horace's grass clippers, and life as Ben's hit man/secret lover, only to be (maybe) killed by tiny Ben's drunk father? COME ON.

Moving on. My journalism ethics professor enjoyed reminding us all last semester that, above all, people need to be included. Clearly, Jacob never got this message, because Ben has some serious exclusion issues with him. In a surprisingly poignant sequence just after he and Undead Locke finally meet up with the erstwhile Island king, Ben asks Jacob why he's never bothered to talk to him despite his years of service to the Island.

In this situation, someone like Jack or Real Locke would have maybe thrown a weak punch and then cried. Instead, Ben stabs Jacob, because, like him or not, he always gets the job done.

Most importantly, let's have a moment of silence for the badassery that is Dr. Juliet Burke.

When the future hatch goes haywire after Jack's bomb plan fails miserably, Juliet gets dragged into the electromagnetic drilling tunnel, only to be grabbed at the last minute by a devastated, desperate Sawyer who lets out some Titanic-worthy "Don't you let go"s. Then: she falls down the shaft, Sawyer absolutely falls apart, I nearly cry, she lands at the bottom of the shaft, nearly dies, and then sees the unexploded hydrogen bomb.

Being the awesome person she is -- and, after all, there's really nothing left to lose at this point -- Juliet whams the thing (which is rigged to explode on impact) with a rock.

The entire screen goes white.

And that's it.

Here's to season six!